The decision
by Swedenlover
Summary: completed! JH set in the future but filled with flash backs. jackie leaves Hyde and goes to a friend in Paris. Is there any chanse for Hyde to make her change her mind?
1. Prologue

**Jackies pov:**

She was standing in the hallway, with her bags packed and her hand on the door handle. She was ready to go, she had been there so long, but something didn't let her. It was like, as soon she stepped out from the apartment it was really over.

Was that really what she wanted? God, she loved him, so why was she ready to leave him?

She leant her fever hot pan against the cold door and shivered. She wished that Steven would come in, towards the door and save her. Taker her in his arms and make her forget everything else.

But he is not coming and she tried to not let herself be disappointed.

**Hydes pov:**

Something was different this time. Their fight had been different. She had looked so tired, when he left the apartment. Tired and hurt.

Why does he always have to hurt her? Maybe it was because he knew he doesn't deserve her. That he never had, not even when they fooled around on the coach in the basement, and hoped that they not would be discovered. He loved her, more than he really understood. But something deep inside him told him that he destroyed her life. She wanted to travel and see the world, not be tracked in their small apartment. He destroyed her life, but he hadn't the strength to let her go. He needed her.

**Jackies pov:**

She tried to compose strength, it's one step, just one step and then she's free. So why is it so hard, so hard to leave him? Memories from their relationship went through her head. She had always loved him, even when she was together with Michael. But back then she never really understood it. She loved his kisses and his touches and the way he made her feel. She really loved him and she needed him, but it was not here she wanted to be. She felt like she was stuck in a cage and that feeling killed her slowly.

When had she and Steven talked lately, really talked. About she and him and her feelings?

It felt like the only ting they did was fight and make love.

She loved him more than anything but she can't handle this.

Slowly she put down the door handle…

**Hydes pov:**

He should appreciate her more. Give her flowers and taker her out and other things like that. Instead he just ignored the feeling of her unhappiness. That one feeling that he had had to long. He had been afraid to meet her face to face and find out things he really don't wanted to know. But he had to do that, Now!

He felt relief when I turned around the car and started to drive home. Everything will be al right. If he just could come home and take her in his arms and tell her how much he love her.

**Jackies pov:**

She was standing with closed eyes and the door handle down pressed. Don't sure if she had the courage to get outside. She was scared for things that waited for her there, but she was terrified for what should happen if she stayed. She took a last deep breath and opened the door…

**Hydes pov:**

He parked the car and started to run inside the building. Something was wrong. Something was terrible wrong.

He took the stair instead of the elevator, two steps at time.

The door was unlocked and the hall was empty. The feeling of that something was wrong grown stronger.

He ran towards their bedroom and hopped that she would be there. The door was open.

He stopped in the doorway and just stared.

Her wardrobe was opened and empty. All her magazines, tiny things and anything else that had belonged to her were gone.

He felt like he would faint. He continued to their bathroom. All her make up and expensive creams were gone. He kept on to the kitchen and living room and saw, that all her things were gone.

And then it really hit him; she was gone! She was really gone! He sank down to he floor and leant his head against the wall.

It felt like she dragged out his heart and stamped on it.

A part of him died there, when she left. A part that never will return…


	2. A phonecall and a drunk Hyde

A/N: when I wrote the first chapiter I have no thought of doing more on this story. But when I thoughta little a decided that I couldn't leave Jackie and Hyde like that. So here is my second chapiter.

When I wrot this chapiter I realized how difficult the English language really is. I have read it like hundred times and looked for misstakes butam sure that Ihave missed some, so please have indulgence.

and finally I want to say that I don't own anything.

She sat up crawled on one of her suitcases in a corner of the airport. The other three suitcases stood around her. It was all her life, and it was so small that it held in four suitcases. She fought back the cry. Fought back the tears that all the time menaced to roll down her cheeks.

"You did it Jackie." She whispered to herself. Strangely enough was she not proud, she just felt lonely, tiered and helpless.

Most of all she wanted to return to Steven, but she couldn't. She had composed so much strength, so much willpower to leave him, and if she returned now, she knew that she never would be able to compose all that strength again.

The thought of that she never would see Steven again made her body shook and she try desperate to keep back the tears.

"Steven!" She whined. Have she made a mistake? Insecure filled her. They really loved each other, it was real love and that is valuable. Was there anything more important than love? Was her own happiness worth to sacrifice for real love?

When she was together with Michael she had answered yes, but the time with Steven had changed her. She was still shallow and selfish but she had realized that perfect love doesn't exist. There is no love there it not occur fights or compromises. Steven had made her realize much of things and it was because of him that she had the strength to leave, to leave when she wasn't happy anymore.

She closed her eyes and pressed back the tears with all the willpower she still had.

Steven was so strong, he stayed and fought, and she was so weak, she ran away when it became too difficult. When she couldn't take anymore.

Hade she done the right choice? A big part of her screamed no, but her heart said yes, and she knew that she had to trust her heart.

She dug in her pocket after chewing gum but she didn't find any. Instead she found some quarters. She starred at them and a name turned up in her head. 'Donna' she thought. 'Donna always knows what to do'. She rose on unsteady legs and staggered like a drunk to the telephones.

"Please Donna, pick up the phone", she whispered and pressed the receiver closer against her cheek. "Please Donna, you have to answer."

"Donna?"

Relief filled her.

"I have left Steven." She threw out the word and then she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Her body shook and she sobbed hysterical into the receiver.

"Jackie." Donnas voice was calmed and consoled. "Jackie, you have to go back and talk to him."

"I can't"

"Jackie, you can't just leave him."

"I just…" She whispered. "I have already done it." She sank down to the grand without caring that her new brand name jeans got dirty. "I have already packed all my stuff and it became four suitcases. Four suitcases Donna!" She whined, and another cry attack went through her. "My life holds in four suitcases." She sobbed.

"Jackie where are you." Donna's voice was still calmed but Jackie knew what she tried to do."

"Look Donna, I sorry but I have made my choice. And there's nothing you can do." And with those words, she came up on her feet and hung up.

For some second she just stood there and starred on the phone without really see anything. Then a feeling of sickness came over her and she rush to the toilets. She threw up until her stomach was empty and she felt weak and tiered. Not until then she sank down on the dirty toilet floor and lean back with closed eyes. Tears were still running down her cheeks but they were more controlled now.

"Steven, I'm sorry." She whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Eric!" Donna crawled over to Eric's side of the bed and nudged him gentle. "Eric, there is someone at the door."

He answered something that she couldn't hear and turned his back against her. "Eric!" Donna hissed in his ear but another high knock on the door made her return to her own side of the bed and got up. She placed a dressing gown over her shoulders and began to walk towards the door. She already knew who it was and she knew that he was indignant. And she definitive knew that it's better that she, instead of Eric took care of it.

She locked up the door and opened it.

Hyde was standing in the doorway without his sunglasses, that he otherwise always wears. Donna had known that he would be indignant but she had assumed that something cool still would be there, something Zen.

But there is nothing controlled with him, he was drunk and that surprised Donna, Hyde was never drunk. His eyes were red and swollen and his posture was angry.

"I want to talk to Jackie," he slurred and lean against the doorpost.

Donna took a deep breath and tried to get her voice under control before she spoke.

"She isn't here." She tried to meet Hyde's glance without shiver. That seeing him like this made her uncomfortable. "I don't know where she is."

Hyde pushed her away and entered the apartment. She wobbled but succeeded with getting back her balance.

"Hyde I'm sorry." She softly said and put her hand on his arm. He pushed it away.

"So, your sorry." He said in an ironic, cold voice. "It's all your fault." He pointed towards her with a shivering finger. "You and your fucking feminist talk. You drove her to it."

Donna felt how the anger grew inside her but she tried to press it back.

"Hyde, she was unhappy."

He looked at her with narrowing eyes.

"So, she was unhappy. How the hell do you think I felt when I came home and the apartment was empty on her stuff? Do you think I felt happy then?" He took a threatening step towards her and she had to use all her will power to not back away from him.

" Hyde, I don't defend her."

'Stay clam' she said to herself. 'This is the same Hyde that I have known since I was kid. It's the same Hyde that was in love with me and helped me when my mother abandoned me.' "I don't know where she is Hyde." She softly said. "I have talked to her but she wouldn't tell. But what I know is that she's not coming back." She expected that Hyde would start screaming on her or threw things around him but instead he took a step back and sank down on the coach. All anger was gone and replaced with suffering, fatigue and helplessness. He looked like that little boy he was when his father abandoned him, so lonely, so lost.

"I know." He almost whispered and looked down on his hands. Donna felt like she soon was going to cry and she didn't want to do that. She almost never cried and right now she had to be strong. For Hyde's sake.

"I wanted to do anything better. I was driving home to tell her that we could loose all our problems. That I was ready to changes for her. But she wasn't there… She had already left…" He buried his face in his hands and sighed heavy.

Donna took a few steps forward and sank down next to him on the coach.

"Hyde I'm sorry."

"I know." He just answered. "I know."

He puts his arm around her shoulders and she lean her head against his chest. "It's only that, that I need her."

"Hyde, I'm so sorry…" She whispered before hot tears started to roll down her cheeks. She hated Jackie on many ways because what she had done, but at the same time she was kind of proud. Because Jackie had at least dared to do something that stride against everything she stood for…


	3. Marissa

Jackie leant back in the big sofa and closed her eyes. It felt nice to be in Marissa's apartment. It was exactly as she imagined it, big and airy with expensive furniture and located in the middle of Paris.

And Marissa was like she had always been, still beautiful with her long blond hair and sparkling eyes. And most important still very considerate.

Jackie hadn't realized how much she had missed Marissa until she stood with her face buried in Marissa's shoulder and snuffled on her brand-name sweater.

"Are you feeling better?" Marissa came into the room with a hot cup in her hands. "Here, drink this, it's honeywater. It's very relaxing."

"Thanks." Jackie's voice was still full of cry.

Marissa sat down next to her and started to put of her high-heeled sandals.

"Sweetie, what have happened to you?" She asked and started to massage her tired foot.

Jackie looked awkward down in her cup and blew on the content.

She had been half hysterical when she called Marissa from the airport, and when Marissa well understood that she was in Paris, had she come as soon as she could.

Jackie had thrown herself in the arms of her friend and cried.

And Marissa understood, because Marissa was as Jackie, she had made the cry still on her wonderful calm way and then she had brought Jackie to her own apartment.

And now, Jackie was sitting on her sofa with red eyes and exhausted body.

"I missed you when you moved." She said at last and Marissa understood. She understood that Jackie doesn't want to talk about the reason that brought her to Paris at the moment.

"I missed you too."

"You were the only real friend I ever had. Apart from Donna of course." She added when she became reminded of the reasonable red head.

Melissa smiled a melancholy smile and leant back in the sofa.

"Do you remember when we were kids and used to play that we were sisters?"

"And we dressed alike." Jackie filled in with a smile.

"Or, when we always liked the same guy."  
"And then we fought about him."

"But he always chose you."

"And then I dumped him because of you."

They laughed at the memories and for the first time under the last 24 hours Jackie felt relaxed.

"I remember when you called me, the summer after I moved and told me that you was in love."

Jackie stopped smile, she remembered that phone call very good, she even remembered that summer. And the memories hurt.

She was so young back then, so naïve, and everything was so easy, so uncomplicated. She wished that everything could be that way again.

"I remember that phone call too." She almost whispered.

"You were so in love with Hyde." Marissa smiled at the memories. "Point Place own rebel. You told me that his kisses were unlike everything else. That they made you forgot anything."

Jackie just nodded, the memories made her sad, but at the same time happy.

"You were so afraid that he should dump you after the summer."  
"I broke our only rule." Jackie whispered the word. "No feelings."

"Do you remember what I told you?"

Jackie nodded.

"You told me if he doesn't wanted me, he wasn't worth it."  
"It was the last time you called me." She doesn't say it reproach, it was just an establish. "What happened?"  
"We got together, we moved in together and then I left him." The tears started rolled along her cheeks. It still hurt to say it aloud.

"Poor baby." Marissa buried her in one of hers generous hugs.

"I just can't stop crying." Jackie sobbed.

"Jackie, you have always been such a drama queen." Marissa stroked her hear softly. "You always cry over everything."  
Jackie smiles through the tears. Melissa is right, she always cries, over cheating boyfriends, when she self broke up with somebody, over a sad move or when her favorite par of jeans split.

"I'm so pathetic."

"No Jackie, you are just you."

It was nice to talk to Marissa, she didn't judge, not like Donna did.

Donna was and would always be Steven's friend in the first hand. She knew that Donna hated her because of what she had done, because she was one of the persons that hade the power to hurt Steven, and she had done it.

Everybody Steven ever had loved had abandoned him, and she had promise him to never leave. And despite that promise she had just left him and that was unforgivable.

Donna loved Steven as a friend and there was an unspoken band between them. And she knew that Donna never could really forgive her for her betrayal.

"I'm a horrible human." She sobbed in Marissa's shoulder.

"Jackie, it's just who you are." Marissa answered softly. "It's just who you are…"

He hated himself because he had lost the control and almost drunk himself unconscious. He should have more self-control than that. But when he had come home that day and seen the empty apartment, and realize that she was gone forever, something inside him broke.

He had trusted her, he would lay his life in her hands if that would be necessary. She was the only human being that he totally trusted and look where that had led him.

He knew that it was his own fault that she had left, but that didn't stop the hat to blow up inside him, because that feeling was so much easier to handle than the emptiness and the missing.

He missed her smile, the way she moved her hands when she talked, her life energy and to get that specially Jackie-smile when he had done something very unlike him. He missed to se her sleep and the way her perfume smelled, but most of all he missed her, so unbelievable much.

When she left she had took his Zen. He couldn't find the way back to his independent attitude when she wasn't there to see through it.

"Hyde you have to go home, at least to get some new clothes. The one you have smells spirits and you cant borrow from Eric, they are way to small." Donna interrupted his thoughts.

"I'm not going back there." Hyde answered and tried to hide the feelings that came up inside him. Not even the sunglass helped anymore.

"It's your home!"  
"It was our home." Hyde snapped and rose up. "It was our home, my and Jackie's."

"Hyde." Donna gives him a worried glance.

"You don't have to treat me like I'm sick or anything. You pad around me all the time and you dare hardly speak her name around me. It's not like she dead or something, she just left because she couldn't stand me."

"That's not truth." Donna began, chocked of Hyde's fit of rage.

"Just leave me alone." Hyde snapped and started to go towards the door.

"You can't just escape from your problems."

The only answer she got was the door that closed with a crack.


	4. To move on

A/N: I couldn't get any space while I was jumping in time in the chapiter. So I wrote a little heading every time I did I timejump.

"So Jackie, I've been thinking."

Jackie turned her head against Marissa, who was standing in the doorway dressed in a minimal dress.

"Are you going out?"

"We are going out!" Marissa took some quick steps to the sofa, and turned around in front of Jackie. "Is it pretty? Because I was thinking that the blue would bring out me eyes, but then I thought that maybe it's to much, I mean…"  
"We are not going anywhere." Jackie interrupted. "**I**'m not going anywhere."

"Jackie…" Marisa whined, "You been staying here for two weeks without being outside that door." She pointed at the front door. "You have to do something."

"Like what?" Jackie sighed without taking her glance of the TV.

"Like I see it, you have only two choose, ether you go back to Hyde or you have to get over him."

"I'm not going back." Her voice was more convincing than she felt. She had made a chose and she can't return now, two weeks later and beg Steven to take her back.

"Than the only thing that remains is to get over him."

Jackie just sighed without answering.

"Jackie, you have to do something, you can't just sit here and feel sorry for yourself. You need to come out, see people, do things. Like before. Sweetie, you're in Paris, this city is made for a new beginning."

Jackie was still not answering; she just starred at the TV. That guy looked a little alike Steven, even if he not had Stevens smile, and he doesn't move on the same way, and she couldn't even compare their eyes. Steven's eyes was like…

"Jackie, I've been thinking of your problem." Marissa interrupted. "And because I have realized what the problem is, I can solve it."

That was so typical Marissa, she always wanted to simplify everything, never take anything for what it was.

"Marissa, I have a broken heart, you can't cure that."  
"Do you remember Kelso."  
Jackie gave her an irritated look.

"Of course I remember Michael."

"Well, I remember when you too got together." Marissa smiled at the memory. "Your first serious boyfriend. Do you remember how in love you was?"

Jackie just shrugged. She didn't want to grasp any of all the memories that came up inside her, they are just so full of pain.

"He was your first, and because of that you wanted him to be the one. Already on your second date had you made up a dream-life around him. Do you remember that?"

Jackie bit herself in the lip and starred urgent on the TV. She's Zen now, like Steven taught her.

"And every time he cheated on you, he crushed a little bit of that dream. And that hurt you."

Jackie refused to show that the word really hit her, but they both knew that it was the truth, that Melissa had found a weak point.

"But you held on to him. Not because you loved him, even if that was what you tried to tell yourself, but due to he loved you, and nothing is like to be loved. Maybe he was the worse boyfriend of the world. But there was times when he did things for you, times when he really made you feel loved, and that was worth everything."

Jackie quivered, her face was resolute. She would not cry, she had been crying for two weeks now and it have to have a stop.

"So, in the end you wanted to marry him, but he took of and crossed that dream totally. And you cried, didn't you. You cried over your dream, over that he wasn't the one, but did you ever cry over that he was gone?"

Marissa made a short break if Jackie wanted to answer something, but when nothing came she continued.

"But you wasn't alone very long. You find yourself a new boyfriend, Hyde, the guy you always had a crush on. The guy that never expressed any feelings, who never had had a serious relationship. But maybe he was better for you, he changed you, and maybe you even learnt to love him. But then you left him." Marissa gave her an asking glance and Jackie chose to ignore it.

"But what made you leave?" Marissa drummed thoughtful on the sofa's back support. "Maybe you tried to tell yourself that it was because you wasn't happy. And maybe you wasn't happy, but there was more, wasn't there? What had he done to you, that was so terrible that not even you could forgive it?"

Jackie turned her head against Marissa, she looked like a wild animal captured in a corner with no way to escape. Everything Marissa had said was truth, and she had known it, deeply inside, but she had never admitted it, not even to herself, and it hurt to hear the truth be spoken aloud.

Thousands of feelings moved inside her and she gasped for air, afraid to move, even afraid to blink, because she felt like she had been beaten fort the first time in her life. And if she moved, it would be definitive. Someone had read her like an open book and realized that she wasn't that perfect that she always wanted people to think.

"Jackie, you don't have to tell me why?" Marissa whispered. "But you have to realize the truth, because not until then you can do anything about it."

Jackie starred in Marissa's blue eyes and started to breathe normal again. Her tensed body relaxed and she nod.

"So, what should I do?" She can hardly speak the word. It's like all her strength had run out of her.

"Start over!"  
"But, what if I can't?"  
"You can!" Marissa smiled. "Jackie, your strong. You know what, I take you to my work tomorrow. I mean, your smart and sweet, my boss is going to love you. Do you remember when we dreamed of working as models together, now that dream is going to be real."

Jackie just nodded.

"Jackie, you are going to love my life, I mean the only things I do is work and party. No responsible, much money. You're going to be rich again."

Jackie couldn't hold back a smile. Suddenly her life felt so much easier.

"Your right, I have to move on."

"So, your in tonight?"

"I'm in."

And when she rose up and started to walked towards her bedroom, was her step more self-confident and easier, because even if the missing is like a big hole inside her, she realize that it's time to move on…

**Later**

"It's not to short?" Jackie looked asking in the whole figure-mirror. When had she partied last? Not since she went out school that was sure.

She touched her naked legs, if she was going to sit down, the dress was going to slide up and reveal her underwear.

"Jackie, you have a wonderful figure, why cover it?"

"Because people is going to think that I'm a slut."

"Jackie relax, just go there, drink a little, flirt, have fun."

Jackie closed her eyes for a moment, did she even remember how to flirt, and she had never been good with alcohol.

"This is not going to work." She mumbled and tried to walk without wobble in the high heels. "I'm already looking drunk." She said and imagines how it's going to look when she well was drunk. She used to have high heels, but this is not just high. It's so more…

"You look great." Marissa answered. "Just try to relax."

Jackie raised a eyebrow, more than anything she wanted to ran back to her room and hide, but she realized that she have to do this, for her own sake.

"Are you ready to go?"

She looked at herself in the mirror a last time, meeting her own glance, one green and one blue eyes, a smile spread over her face.

"I'm ready."

**At the Party**

The music pound through whole her, it feels like her body vibrate.

Marissa disappeared with some gay, the moment after they got here and Jackie self ended up pressed against the wall with a glass in her hand.

The drink is lukewarm and she sipped at it, trying to ignore the taste.

She had never been much for spirits, Steven had always drunk a lot, it was not often that she saw him without a beer can, but she had never seen him drunk.

She drank a lot when she still partied, or maybe not that much, but it get to her after just some glasses. For not talking about that time she and Fez took part in a roller disco-competition and she drunk a whole bottle of champagne all by herself.  
But Steven had always been there, to watch over her, already before they got together. On parties had he always kept himself close to her, even dumped girls so he could make sure that nobody touched her.

One time before they got together, she had asked him why, and he had given her a glance through his sunglasses.

"Isn't that obvious?"

She had shrugged and sat down next to his chair in the sofa.

"There are many guys that want to make use of girls like you."  
"Like me?" She had teased him, forced him to say it.

"You know, good-looking girls that don't can handle spirits and don't realize when guys try to make use of them until it's to late."

"So, you think I'm pretty."  
"I didn't say that, I sad that some people does."

She should just say something when the basement door went up and Michael came in.

"Jackie, are you ready to leave?"

Her first thought was 'where'? And then she remembered that they had a date, and that she promised Michael to go and see some stupid move with him.

"Yes I'm ready." So she had rose up and smiled against Steven.

"Thanks for doing that for me." Then she had kissed him in the corner of his mouth, despite that Michael stood there. It was worth it.

Steven had just smiled, that special Steven smile.

"Anything for you doll." He's voice was free from emotion but she had known that he meant it.

Because that was Steven, teasing and mean when they were with the gang but he was always there, when she needed somebody, a shoulder to cry against, somebody to talk to, a friend that can take her to stuff, somebody who understood her.

Somebody that could teach her the secret of Zen and later the secret of love.

"Oh, my God." She shook on her head, trying to get away the memories. Here was so hot, she had to get out. NOW!

She put away the half empty glass and started to walk against the front door.

This would be her first night on her new life, a life that not included Steven at all. And it was first now that she realized that that was impossible. All her memories included him. He had always been there; he was a big part of her life from the day that she met him.

Even her memories from that time when she was together with Michael circle around him. It was always about him, and now she had to turn him off, like he never existed.

She really had to get out of here.

She increased her steps, it felt like she is going to faint. She didn't notice that someone had bump against her until she already was on the floor.

"Are you alright?" A guy talked to her in broken English while he helpful bent over her. He had half long brown hear, a sweet smile and dark eyes.

He's cute, not Steven, but cute.

"Yes."

He helped her up and she wobbled a little in her high heels before she found the balance.

"It's the idiotic heels." She tries to explain. "I was on my way out and then…" She shrugged helpless; it felt like she is going to break down any time.

"It's your first party in Paris, isn't it?" The guy smiled compassionate. "It takes time before you getting used to it, I mean at first I didn't believe that you could press in so many humans in one apartment."

She smiled against him.

"Here is just so freaking hot."

"Come, I following you out." He took her hand and they started to walk outside together.

**Outside **

"So, your from America?"  
"How can you tell?"

"I saw you t

"Sogether with Marissa, so I guessed."

"Well, you had right." Jackie smiled against him; it felt nice to be outside. The air was so fresh.

"So, I'm Brian."  
"I'm Jackie."  
Jackie, it's a beautiful name."

"Do you think?"  
He nodded.

"Yes I do, what brings you to Paris."  
"Oh you know…" Jackie shrugged. "I think I just needed a break."  
"How long time are you going to stay."  
"Well, right now, I consider moving down here."

"If you want, I can show you the city some day."  
Jackie's first thought was to tell him that she's not interesting, but then she remember Marissa's word about a new beginning.

"I would love to."  
"What about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow sounds perfect."

A/N: So this is chapter 4, hope you enjoyed it.

Thanks for all nice reviews. It means I lot to me. (It always fun to know that somebody like what I do)

My goal is to have next chapter up soon, the thing is that I have a pretty busy week and I'm not good at holding promises, so I just say, I'm working at it.

I'm not sure at the first part with Marissa's and Jackie's talk but I like the rest of it, so pelase tell me what you think!


	5. Another phonecall

Jackie sat and starred at the phone.

Now and then she leant forward to call; sometimes she even touched the receiver before she receded with a worried glance in her eyes.

"Jackie, this is starting to get ridicules."

Jackie looked surprised behind herself there Marissa stood in a pink dressing gown.

"You scared me." She mumbled. "I didn't hear you coming."

Marissa sat down beside Jackie on the floor and reached her, her cup of coffee.

"Do you want?"

Jackie gave her a tired smile.

"You know that I not drink coffee!"

"You should start, it make your metabolism more effective."

Jackie shrugged and continued to stare at the phone.

"I'm just afraid, that he shall answer." She whispered. Only the thought of hearing Steven's voice so close made her afraid and at the same time was there nothing she rather wanted. "Because if he asks me to return home, I'm going to do that" she could already hear Steven's warm, soft voice, se his smiling face, feel his strong arms around her waist…

"Jackie, I now it's hard but you have to do it."  
"It's just…" Jackie's voice broke and she continued to stare at the phone. "You said that it would feel better if I come out and started to live again. And now I have done that in almost three weeks. Why am I not feeling better?"

"Jackie, you have to give it time."

Jackie looked at Marissa with tired eyes. She didn't want to give it time; she wanted to escape from all feelings. Pain, missing, to cry herself to sleep every night, missing Stevens consoled arms around her.

"I miss him so unbelievable much." She whispered. "I mean, I have a life here now, work, boyfriend. Why can't I just forget him?"

Marisa lay comforting her arm around Jackie's shoulders.

"Sweetie, I know how it feels, even if that's hard to believe. And it will never be better if you not make up with your old life."

Jackie nodded.

"That's my girl." Marissa rubbed encourage her arm and rose up to walk out from the room.

"I'm going out to shop some thing. So for your own sake, call before I come back."

Jackie nodded; she waited until she heard the front door close, and then she took a deep breath and picked up the receiver.

She closed her eyes while she counted the signals. _One, two… _maybe was she not at home. _Three, four… _On sex is she going to hung up. _Five…_

"Donna?"

The friend's well-known voice made her shiver. The last week had been so much about Steven, that she had forgotten the other. And now when she heard Donnas voice, the memories came back. The memories of that life and that people that she had left behind.

She and Donna used to met every day, or at least talk on the phone with her, and she missed their conversations. She missed Donna's immovable calm and her logical advice.

"Hallo?"

Jackie tried to answer but there was no word coming out. Donna's voice is so close, she could have been in the same room and not on the other side of the world.

"Hallo, is somebody there?"

She heard that Donna was on her way to hung up and felt panic through her whole body.

"Yes, it's me!"

It became a tensed quite.

"Jackie is that you?"

Jackie felt like she was going to cry.

"Yes, it's me!"

There was another long quiet.

"Where are you?" Came there at last.

"At Marissa's."

"In Paris?"

She didn't answer, just pulled the receiver closer her ear, like that would bring her friend closer.

"Are you alright?" Donna's voice was soft and worried.

"Yes."

"Jackie, you have been gone in four weeks and three days. Do you understand how worried we have been?" Donna talked to her like she was five years old, but for the moment she didn't felt a day older.

"I'm sorry." Her voice shiver, but she hadn't cried. At least not yet.

"Jackie, have you thought about coming back home?"

Every day, every minute. Jackie closed her eyes, was there anything in this world that she rather wanted.

"No I haven't."

Another quiet, Jackie moved out of sorts, she knew that she had to ask, but she was afraid of the answer.

"Do you wonder how Hyde is?"

She took a deep breath, wonderful lovely Donna, it was impossible to fool her. She would never believe that Jackie called her for talk about her.

"Yes." The answer was so low that she is unsure if Donna heard.

"Jackie, I have never seen him like this before. You have to come home, for his sake, you're killing him."

The words hit Jackie.

"Donna, I'm sorry."

"That's not enough. If you really love him, you're coming home."

"Donna, you don't understand." She tried to hold back the tears. "I have made a decision, I can't come home now."

The silent was deafening. She wanted Donna to say something, anything, but nothing was coming and for a moment she was afraid that Donna had hung up.

"Please, tell Steven that I'm sorry, and that I love him but this is for the best."

"I can't make you change, right?"

"Promise me to say that."

"I promise."

"But, please, don't tell him were I am."

"Jackie I know it's hard right now." Donna's voice was soft. "But please, come home, you can't loose your problems through run away."

"I'm sorry…."

Jackie sat quiet and listened on her friend's breath. She could be sitting there for ever, but she knew that she had to return to reality.

"Bye, Jackie."

"Bye Donna."

And when she hung up, she wondered if they ever would talk again. But then her thoughts were full of something way more important.

Steven!

She was tired of feeling the missing as a big wound inside her, a wound that never would heel but that all the time got bigger and bigger.

Steven had always been there, he had always understood her. He knew how it felt to be failed, he knew how it was to feel hope every time she got a promise. To hope that this time they would be held, although she deep inside knew that she once again would be let down.

And every freaking time had it hurt as much as always to be failed. Of her parents, of Michael, of everyone that she had ever loved.

But Steven had always been there, he should have received her in the middle of the night without questions, without judging her.

She remembered Marissa's word.  
_What had he done to you that were so terrible that not even you could forgive it? _

"Fuck you, Steven." She whispered and came up on her foot. The anger welled over her, all that anger that had grown a little bit more every time somebody let her down but as she had learnt to pull down and ignore.

They had never been meant for each other, god she was a cheerleader and he was a rebel. But she had broken against that unwritten law. She had fall in love with him. Somewhere deep inside her she had thought that that was the solution.

That there maybe was someone that really could love her.

She had had wrong, of course. And that she had fought for so long only made the defeat harder. A scream found the way up from her throat, like she wanted to scream out the anger, scream out the pain.

Steven had hurt her more than anybody else, because she had really trusted him. Blindly!

She had trusted that he never would hurt her.

Her glance falled on one of Marissa's china figure, and without thinking she grabbed the tiny unicorn and threw it with all her power in the wall.

She starred at it when it hit with a bang and sprinted all over the floor. She took up next one and threw it after the other it a scream. And then next and next until the floor was full of china sprint and she looked around desperate after more things to throw.

So is it like, she for the first time understood what she had done, the anger disappeared and got replaced with despair. She glided tired down on the floor without feeling the sprinted that bored into her naked legs.

They were never meant to be together, and she had done the best thing, for both of them. Why couldn't Steven understand that?

Tears started too rolled down her cheeks and she didn't even bother to dry them away.

And the worst part was that she knew that she never would return that she never would see him again. His face, his smile. She had no hope, nothing to live for.

Her glance falled on a big china shred, the thoughts whirled inside her and as in trance she grabbed it.

Ant with Steven's face in front of her, she placed the shred against her wrist…

**Donna's pov**

Donna starred at the empty receiver. It had felt strange to hear Jackie's voice. So alike despite that they hadn't talked in weeks.

But the voice had still been as full of desperate since last time they spoke.

A desperate Jackie in Paris, Donna closed her eyes. Jackie should never be alone; she needed someone to look after her. Someone like Hyde.

And so was there Marissa, Donna signed.

Wonderful Marissa, so kind and considerate but at the same time…

Both Marissa and Jackie had had hard growth, and Donna had seen how that had influenced Jackie,

That always pretend that everything was alright, that never let that facade down, whatever happened.

But Jackie had had Hyde, someone that understood how it was, someone that should do anything for her.

And Marissa had been alone and too often had Donna wondered how that really had influenced her, how she really was under the surface.

And right now, she didn't think that Marissa was the right company for Jackie.

A pain in her hand made her came back to the reality. She had hugged the receiver so hard that her knuckle had whitened.

She hung up and walked out in the kitchen.

She looked around to see that nobody was near it was a little ridicules but she didn't want anybody to see where she kept her money.

Furthest in a locker she found a brown envelope.

She had saved money as long as she could remember. She had always been practical inclined and she had seen it like a lifeline. She had always was afraid that something should go wrong, to have friends as Jackie, Hyde, Fez, Kelso and even Eric made her realize how many things that possible could go wrong, and that nobody of the other would be smart enough to realize that.

She opened the envelope and dragged up a bill bundle. From that one she dragged out some bills and put them in her own pocket before she put back the big bundle in the envelope and placed it back in the locker.

"I'm sorry Jackie." She whispered while she started to walk towards that room they had given to Hyde. "But it's for your own sake."

She knew that Hyde was inside there, he was always in his room or out, god knows where.

"Hyde!" She knocked on the closed door. "Hyde I'm coming in." She pushed up the door and groped after the switch along the wall.

Hyde was lying on his back on the bed and starred up on the roof. It hurt to se him like this. He was so full of pain.

"Hyde." She repeated. And walked forward to the bed. "We have to talk."

He continued to ignore her while she was sitting down beside him on the bed.

"I have talked to Jackie."

For the first time he lifted up his head and looked at her, but she can't read the expression in his eyes.

"She sad that she was sorry and that she loved you but that it was best like this."

Hyde looked hurt and Donna took a deep breath, and asked Jackie to forgive her in her thoughts.

"Hyde, she's in Paris!"'

His eyes widened, like he first didn't believed her.

"Did she say that?" he voice was suspicious, but there was a little ray of hope and she hold firm to that.

"She didn't want me to tell you but…" she struck down her glance and tried to find the word. Usually she hadn't problems with talking and expressed her feelings but she understood that she had to be careful. "She doesn't feel good, and I tried to make her come home but she refused."

"Whatever." Hyde shrugged like he tried to fall back in his Zen, but his eyes betrayed him.

"You have to talk to her."

"I can't afford a ticket to Paris." He answered and falled back to her laying position and she cursed him because he gave up so easy.

"Here." She took up the money and showed him.

"I can't…" he started and she fought against the urge to hit him.

"Look Hyde, I give you a second chance, if you not take it, you are going to regret it the rest of your life."

Hyde just starred at here for a moment and then he just took the money.

"Aright." Was the only thing that he said, but his voice was different. "I'm going to Paris."

And Donna just smiled, because for the first time in weeks she felt like anything was going to be alright….

A/N: SO it took a little while before I updated my story, mostly because I was working with an mp3 on my own computer and succeed with delete the internet. So Now I am using a friend's.

This chapter got a little bit darker and what was my first thought, but I hope you enjoyed it.

And to Crazyschick: Thanks for your review and for your question. I had a second thought when I lay out Melissa's line and you are getting your answer, but not until some later chapter.


	6. The Hospital

When Marissa came home and caught sight of Jackie's lifeless body was there nothing with her that shown that she was indignant.

Instead she pushed away all her thoughts and run towards Jackie to look after that she still was alive.

There was so much blood; she tried to push down all the memories that came up.

"Jackie!" She whispered and controlled her pulse. A wave of relief washed over her when she heard a weak pulse and realized that her friend still was alive.

She rose up, unwilling to leave her friend's side and headed to the phone. She dialled the number with shivering fingers but her voice was still unmoved when she talked. She knew that now wasn't time for panic.

There wasn't anything she rather wanted than just run out from the apartment and never returns. She had thought that she never would see this sight again.

She stood with the receiver pulled against her ear long after they had hung up on her, she didn't want to turn around and face Jackie again. She didn't want to see the floor covered with china and blood.

But she knew that she have to. Slowly she turned around and walked into the living room on shaky legs.

It was like she was a little kid again. It was not Jackie that lay there in front of her, it was her mother. Marissa pushed back the cry like she had done so many times before.

"It's going to be all right!" She whispered, mostly to calm herself, while she fell down on her knees between Jackie, without feeling the china that bored inside her legs. "Everything is going to be all right!" she was afraid that her voice would broke. She was afraid of beginning to cry.

She saw her mother, her wonderful mother with her long blond hair and she can smell her expensive perfume.

"Why?" She was barely aware of that she pronounced the word. "Why did you o it?" But she already knew the answer and that scared her.

Her wonderful mother, so promising, so lovely. Everybody had loved her and shelf had she only been able to love on person, Marissa's dad.

There was no space for anyone else in her world, no space for Marissa. She remembered the fights. She can still hear them in the middle of the night when she was alone and not able to sleep. She remembered how her mother sacrificed everything for her dad, and he was still not satisfied. She remembered how he stormed out and she remembered the cry. That was almost the worst part, the desperate cry that forced her up from her warm bed and made her walk to her parents room.

She had loved her mother, almost adored her, but her mother had barely been awarded of her existence.

Strongest of all the memories was the vision of her mother lying on the floor, with a bloody wrist and blood on her clouds and on the expensive carpet. A vision that never would fade away, a vision that still woke her up in the middle of the night, screaming.

How many times had it happened? Always the same thing so long back in the time that she could remembered. Sometimes nothing happened for months, but she could never relax because she knew that it would happen again.

When she became eighteen she moved out, without that someone really noticed. She had left that world behind and never talked about it again. She had buried the memories somewhere inside her and tried to forget, tried to pretend that it never had happened. Despite that that was impossible.

And now Jackie, wonderful living Jackie.

She strokes her over her pan, and closed her eyes, pressed with an all-out effort back the cry.

This was love, pain, cry, missing. She had never been able to love somebody.

Afraid for being like her mother. Afraid for being like Jackie.

She stroke Jackie over her pan, her best friend, she would do anything for her, expect this. Because she would not, under any condition go through this again…

**Jackie's pov**

She found herself in a big with room. Whole her left arm pounded and she tried to compose her thoughts.

"Where am I?" She asked out in the air.

"On the hospital!" Marissa stood leant against a wall and looked at her.

"I didn't see you!"

Marissa moved closer her, her high heels clattered against the floor.

"Do you remember what have happened?" She was different on some way. Her hair was collected in a careless knot and her eyes were red of cry. Jackie wondered if she ever had seen Marissa cry. The voice was different to, it was more urgent, more definite, and at the same time worried.

"I…" she thought back, remembered Donna's warm voice, and remembered the anger, Steven… "Oh, my god. Have I….?" All her second thoughts rushed up, what if she had died, or…. She feeling like she was going to throw up soon.

"Jackie, listen to me?" Marissa lend closer, while she took a deep breath. "I've been thinking"

Jackie didn't answer, she just nod. It's like her whole world is spinning around.

"You have to compose yourself, because this is not you!" Marissa's voice was insistent. "You're strong, you're beautiful, you're rich, and people like you don't commit suicide. That's for people without life, like dorks or something." Marissa took another deep breath, her whole body was quivering.

"But…."

"Jackie, his just a gay, one of many. You don't need him." She interrupted. "You need to compose yourself and forget him. You can do that, Jackie, you're a Burkhart. All right!"

Jackie nodded.

"Because, if you don't do that, you are not going to have a home when you are coming out from here."

Jackie met Marissa's glance, she had never seen her so indignant before. Her body quivering and for a second she thought that Marissa was going to break down right there, in front of here, and collapse on the floor, but then Marissa straighten on her self and smiled a strain smile.

"Take a minute alone, so I'm I going to send in Brian then."

"Is Brian here?"

Marissa just nodded.

"Why?"

"Because he called about your date tonight so I told him where you were."

Jackie suddenly felt really tired. She had withheld Brian her past and she had preferred to have it like that.

"All right, send him in."

Marissa nodded and turned around for walking out.

Jackie closed her eyes the memories of her childhood returned. She remembered what her mother had taught her. About hiding feelings. All feelings that were, what her mother had called weak, like anger, hate and sadness should be hide because they made you weak and nobody could love a weak person.

Her mother had had a clear picture of how she wanted her daughter to be like and Jackie had made everything she could for being like that. She had became a cheerleader, the schools most popular girl, she had dejted the most handsome gay in the whole school, she had stopped eating candy and she had lay down hours on her look. And despite that, there was always anything that could be better, always anything that made it difficult for her mother to love her. That made her leave for years because she couldn't stand her.

She had learned to live in a lie, she had learned to lie as natural as she breath. And at the same time she knew that they all were like that, there was not many of the cheerleader's that not was hiding a big secret. They all wanted their on world and look perfect and they never talk to each other about it. Not even Marissa knew the truth about her childhood.

Not even Steven, even if he had guessed most of it. He had made her gentle little on that lie, made her realize that who her mother wanted her to be, not was who she have to be.

And now, she had to take up that lie again, take a step backward and become that smiling Jackie Burkhart again.

And even if she hated that lie more than anything was it almost nice. Because Steven had seen against it and crossed her. She had shown Steven the real Jackie and that was a mistake she never wanted to do again.

It had led her to a hospital bed and an attempted suicide. And she didn't want that again.

A considerately knock waked her up from her thoughts and she looked surprised up to seeing Brian coming in with the biggest bunch of red roses that she ever seen.

"Hey honey." He placed a soft kiss on her lips, and laid the roses on her bed table. "I'm going to beg a nurse take care of them later."

She just smiled against him, it was in moment like this she needed Brian. Because he is the first boyfriend she ever had that really acted like a boyfriend.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine." She smiled against him. She really likes him, he was like a better version of Michael. He always put her in the first rum and made her feel special. But he wasn't Steven and how much she ever tried she can't stop compare them.

She knew that Steven should have been coming rushing, ready to fight for seeing her. She knew that he should have tried to look calm, because he doesn't want her to be upset. But she should have seen against that, she should have seen how worried he really was.

Steven never sad the right thing, or gave here flowers or jewellery or tolled her how much he loved her.

But his glance, the way he touched her, how he buried her in his arms when she was sad, showed how much she meant to him.

"I wished that you had told me about this gay." Brian interrupted her thoughts.

"Please, can we just don't talk about him." Jackie wished more than ever that Marissa hadn't told him.

"Jackie, I know that we just been together for some weeks, but I really like you, and if you still have feelings for this guy, maybe we should break this up right now!"

Steven had known better than push her when she told him she doesn't want to talk about it.

"Brian, I have no feelings left for Steven, okay?" it was so easy to lie, almost too easy.

"So we are still going on that party on your work tomorrow?"  
"Of course we shall."

She didn't feel better, but she realized that she finally had to make a chose, and she knew what she had to choose.

Because, even if she never was going to get over Steven, maybe this is going to reduce the pain. A least a little…

A/N: So, this chapter took some time and next one is going to take even more time.

I'm going abroad for some weeks and I don't really know when I'm back.

But please read and review until then.


	7. To see her again

**7: To see her again**

**Hyde's pov:**

He missed her, he saw her face in front of him wherever he went, and he could hear her breath and feel her skin against his skin in the middle of the night when he floated against sleep and awake.

He had at last ended up there he always had been afraid to end up, he had trusted somebody despite that he had promise himself so many times to not do that, despite that he knew that he would get hurt.

And yet he didn't regret a second with her, because even when they fought and her big red eyes bored hole in him, and he knew that it was his fault that she looked like that, it was worth it.

Even now, when he sat on the airplane for going to her, without knowing if she was going to welcome him or slam the door in his face and tell him to go to hell, it was worth it.

It was a risk; there was a chance that she didn't want him back. But he knew he had to do it, he had to tell her that he was ready to do anything to make it work. That he loved her, for at least that was she worth.

**Jackie's pov:**

To come home from the hospital and walk around in the apartment again felt strange. Marissa had cleared up all the traces after her but the memories where still there, as sharp as it had happened just now.

She closed her eyes; she could feel the anger vibrate through her body, and the pain, like she once again transported the sherd against the wound.

She opened her eyes and turned around, walked out from the room and closed the door with a slam, like she was locking in the memories.

She headed to her room, but stopped against the enormous hall mirror.

She saw a women standing in front of her, with tired and red of crying eyes that went in contrast to her unhealthy white skin. Her hair was retired in a messy ponytail and the much to large white t-shirt made her look smaller than she really was.

An unhappy laugh found its way out from her throat, how could that be she, she that always had been most the popular and beautiful since the day she was born.

She wanted back to that time, when she thought that the worst thing that could happen would be to fell under a cheerleader display.

The picture scared her, she didn't want to be that women without a will of one's own that she had became. She wanted to be that Jackie Burkhart that she was before, but she knew all to well that that Jackie was gone, and that she would never return.

**Hyde's pov:**

It was like a dream, like he was watching himself from distance, there he was running around on the airport to change money or trying to get something to drink in the extremely expensive cafeteria, and when he at last got a minimal cup of coffee, was the contents lukewarm and to strong.

He was afraid, more afraid than he had ever been in his whole life, but he knew that he couldn't back out now.

He needed to see her, see that she was fine. And even if he couldn't get her back ever, he had to know that she was happy. He longed after seeing her smile. That smile that slowly spread over her face until the whole her was shining of joy.

He needed to see her more than anything else, but he knew that if she was happier there than with him, he had to let her go. How much it ever would hurt….

**Jackie's pov:**

It was another woman that looked back at her from the mirror now. A considerable more beautiful woman, that had a beautiful make-up and that was dressed in a well fitted dress that glisten in the weak light.

She forced a smile, why did it feel so hard, it's not like she hadn't done it before. Went to things that she didn't want to go at, and still smiled and laughed like everything was just fine.

And still, this time it was so much hared, because this time it was Steven that she had to put back. And even if it hurt to be without him, even if it hurt to knew that she would never se him again, she wasn't sure that she really wanted to put him behind, because she loved the feeing he gave her, that one that made her become hot in her whole bode just when she thought of him. She wanted to get ride of the pain, of the missing, but she wanted to keep that feeling forever.

She looked in to the mirror and met Marissa's comforting glance.

She should just say something when Brian came in.

Early as usual and with a comforting smile on his lips. The perfect boyfriend.

After a quick kiss and some well-chosen word, even Jack, Marissa's dejt, came and they could finally go.

Hyde's pov 

He stood and looked up on the house she lived in, in the middle of central Paris. Jackie's favorite city. The streets were teeming with people, mostly couple that came walking hand in hand, and he felt a weak wave of jealousy. He wished that even he could walk like that and feel the warmth from her hand in his.

He took a deep breath and went into the building. Only the entrance looked exclusive, a bread stairs made of stone led up to the higher floors and beside was a list with all the name and they floor the lived at.

Soon he realized that Marissa lived on the highest floor.

He looked up on the long stairs and swallowed, only sex stairs between them. He almost run up fort the stairs, like he was afraid that at the moment he stopped, he would really understand what he was doing and not be able to make him shelf complete.

The door was broad and made of wood, a red carpet of silk was covering the floor and the walls was made of stone.

He knocked, hard. She was inside of there, only a door was holding them apart, as soon as it would be open, they would be together. He would be able to take her in his arms, as so many times before. Feel her tiny body against his own, bury his face in her hair and smell the weak scent of her shampoo.

But know-body was coming; he knocked again, pounded with his fists as hard as he could. Maybe she had seen him; maybe she didn't want to talk to him. He pounded once more before he sunk down to the floor with his back leant against the wall and his head buried in his hands.

The weak ray of hope that had holed him up was gone, and placed with despair. Did their relationship mean so little to her, that she not even wanted to se him when he went all the way to Paris for her.

He could hear how the door next to Marissa's became opened, but he didn't react. Not until a soft hand was lay on his shoulder, hr did look up.

A woman around thirty stood bent over him. Her long brown her fell free around her shoulder and had started to turn grey at her temples and she had small wrinkles around her lips. But her brown eyes were kind.

She opened her mouth and said something at French that only made Hyde frown.

"I don't speak French." He said tired.

"Oh, your must be from America." The woman said with a French accent.

He just nodded and she smiled against him.

"You must be a friend to Jackie."

Once again he nodded, to tired for talking anymore.

"Well, she isn't home right now." She shrugged and he sighed. Not sure if he should feel relieved or even more disappointed.

"I talked to Marissa earlier today, and she talked about some party with their work that they were going to."

Their work? He didn't even bother to ask.

"I can give you the address if you want me to?"

He didn't answer, just looked at her like she was a saving angel, and she seemed to understand.

"Wait here."

Some minutes later, she was back with a note.

"Here."

He took it, and rose up. She had given him a new hope.

"Thanks." He didn't really know what to say; just that word didn't seem enough.

The woman just smiled.

"Your welcome. Come on, hurry up now."

And when he started to walk downstairs he realized who she had reminded him of: Mrs. Forman.

**Jackie's pov:**

"Do you have a great time, darling?"

Jackie turned around towards Brian with a smile on her lips.

"Yeah."  
And strange enough, she had a good time. She and Brian had danced and she had drunk enough of the laced punch to feel a little bit more comfortable, even if not enough to really lose her self-control.

The tiny bandage where covered under one of her white glove that was reaching up to her elbow, and went in good contrast to the dark dress.

Brian smiled against her, and showed his perfect with teeth.

"Should, my lady like some more punch?"

"I would love to."

He leaned forward and kissed her gentle on her lips before he started to walk away form her.

She leaned against the wall and looked out over the big room. She had almost forgotten how much she loved balls. She saw Marissa and Jack on the dance floor and found Marissa's glance and gave her a smile before they whirled past her.

She let her glance sweep over the room and all the human inside it, now and then she saw a face on a person she had started to know and even started to like. But she never let her glance stop on some-one's face until…

Her glance firmed on a well-known face, he stood in the entrance and talked to the door guard. His dark-blond hair was curly and he was wearing a black Led Zeppelin t-shirt.

It could not be… she most be imagine it….

She should just let her glance walk further when the guy looked up from his conversation and met her glance.

It went like a shock against her whole body. Those eyes….

She didn't know what to do, parts of her wanted to rush towards him and throw herself in his arms, other parts wanted to run against opposite direction to a desolation place and cry.

Before she really had time to take a decision Brian came back.

"Here!"

There eye contact became broken and she just starred at the glass of punch that Brian held for her.

"What?" Then she got back her self-control and smiled against him. "Oh, thank you."

**Hyde's pov:**

"I'm sorry Mr., but you can't come in here if you not on the guest list."

The door guard showed him a annoying long list.

"You don't understand, I must in." Hyde repeated, like he really expected that those words would make the guard let him in.

"I'm sorry Mr.," The guard repeated with a polite but cold voice. "I have to beg you to leave."

Hyde opened his mouth to answer, when he felt a piercing glance that made him look up.

His eyes met two other eyes, one blue, and one green.

He just starred; she stood leaned against the wall dressed in a black dress and high white gloves. Her hair was pulled back, away from her face and a smile played over her lips.

She was more beautiful then ever, it was like her eyes burned hole inside him, like she could read his deep down thoughts.

"Mr.?" The guard began to sound irritated. "Mr. I have to…"

Hyde didn't listen anymore, a guy hade walked up to her, a guy that put his arm around her waist and smiled against her while he was giving her a glass.

It was like something broke inside of Hyde, it was his waist that that hand was resting on, that guy had no right to touch what belonged to him.

Without any further thoughts he pushed away the guard and started to pave his way inside the room. He could se how she smiled against the guy and took the glass, and it felt like thousands of needles stung him.

She looked happy, happier than she had done in a long time. But at the same time it was something forced over her happiness, tiny things some made him wonder how happy she really was.

And, that guy had no right to touch her like that. A little voice in his head told him that it was not longer his thing to protect her, but he ignored it. It had always been his thing to protect her, even when they weren't together, and even now, even if she maybe didn't want his help anymore.

The first punch made the whole room to draw after breath, he could here the guard's steps, which were coming closer, but he didn't care.

The next punch hit the gay over his lips and it was with satisfaction that Hyde saw the blood run from his over lip.

But the first surprise that had taken back the guy was gone and he was soon on his feet and Hyde realized that he was both longer and heavier than Hyde self.

Before Hyde had realized what had happened a punch had been placed over his right eyebrow and he could feel the warmth blood run down along his face.

He raised his fist to deliver next punch but something stopped him.

Two men had token a hard grip around him, and additional some hade done the same thing with his adversary and now the both of them became dragging apart from each other.

At first Hyde tried to fight against them, but soon he realize that he would never became free; instead he became standing in their grip and searched after her.

She was standing around four steps away from him, her lips were gentle separated in pure surprise and her eyes were slowly filled with tears.

"Jackie…." He almost whispered the word but she heard him, because her wandering glance searched his. "Sorry." It was only a word, and she was worth so much more than just a word.

He looked helpless how tears started to roll down for her cheeks and how her body slowly started to shake.

She didn't say anything, just turned her back against him, and started to move forward, against the other guy.

And Hyde couldn't do anything other than look, while he became out pulled from the room.

He had thought that it would be all right, if he just could see her, everything would be all right. And now he had really lost her, she didn't choose him, and he couldn't even feel anger.

He had lost her forever. He hadn't cried since she left, because he just didn't cry, but now he could feel the hot tears under his eyelid.

It felt like the big black hole that he had carried inside him since she left have grown bigger and now threaten to swallow him. And there was nothing he could do, nothing at all. Because she was gone….

A/N: So, I have written the whole story, and there is another two chapter. But until I post them enjoy this one, and please don't forget to review.


	8. When love isn't enough

**8. When love isn't enough**

He walked slowly away, without any looks back.

It was like his body at last had given up, that last ray of hope was gone, she didn't want him. He didn't feel the pain in his eyebrow, didn't taste the blood in his mouth.

The street was crowded with people, couple that walked hand in hand and looked surprised on him, but he didn't notice it.

"Steven!"

At first he was not sure that he really heard right, and just kept on walking. But it came again, and this time it was louder.

"Steven."

He slowly turned around, and looked at her, there she came running against him. Tears glistened on her cheeks, she wobbled in her high heels and she was still holding her glass with punch.

She stayed, around a meter away form him and smiled nervously.

"You're here!" She said at last and reached out her hand, like fort testing that he was real. Her little hand was soft and warm against his cheek and he covered it with his own, and pressed it hard.

"Yeah." He answered her, his voice was tired and cracked but she didn't seem to notice.

Carefully she dragged her hand away from his grip and took up a bit of ice from her punch and then she just placed the glass on the pavement.

"You shouldn't have hit him." She placed one of her hands under his chin and pulled the bit of ice against the wound.

He moaned in pain, at least he could pretend that the tears in his eyes depended on that.

"Sorry."

She just shrugged and met his glance. For a moment they just stood there and looked each other deeply in the eyes. There were so many feelings in there, fatigue, sadness, relief, and gratitude. So many different feelings mixed that it made him dizzy.

But, then he couldn't wait anymore; he took a firm grip on her waist and pulled her in to a tight hug.

Her body stiffened at first, but then it relaxed when he pulled her so hard he could against his own. She let go of the ice and placed her arms around his neck and pulled even closer against him if that was possible.

She buried her face in his shoulder as so many times before and he could feel how the hot tears became mixed up with mascara and formed a big wet spot on his t-shirt.

He wanted to ask her why she was crying. He wanted to ask her if she was happy to see him. He wanted to ask her who that other guy had been. He wanted to tell her how sorry he really was for every ting and tell her that he loved her. But right now there was no need for word. Right know he just needed to feel her warmth body against his own, and know that she really was there. With him…

Later… 

He sat beside her in that room where she lived for the moment. She lay peacefully in her bed with her eyes closed and he knew that she was asleep. Most of all he wanted to creep down beside her in the bed, and put an arm around her body and pull her closer to him.

He remembered the first time she slept over with him…

_She had been coming down in the basement dressed in her cheerleader uniform. It had been a pretty cold day and her lips had begun to get a color of blue and her eyes were red like she had been crying. _

_She had scanned the room, Donna and Eric sat close to each other in the sofa and he was sitting on his chare._

_Then she had took some quick step inside the room and thrown herself in his arms. She had bin ice cold and he had rubbed her back and arms to make her get back her body heat. _

"_Jackie, where have you been?" He didn't want to admit it, but he had been worried when she hadn't showed up with his car when the school had ended as she used to. She always told him where she was going, because that was according to her what you did when you were in a relationship. And even if he used to say that she didn't have to tell him he had been pretty worried when she hadn't._

_So worried that he more than once had begun to walk out and look for her, for then realize what he was doing and gave himself a mental kick. _

_She had probably heard about some new sale in the male and went shopping with some of her snobby cheerleader friend…. But if it was like that she should have told him… what if…. And then his brain had been filled with scary sights of Jackie until he had been ready to run out after her again, before he gave himself a mental kick and the whole thing started over again. _

"_On cheerleader practice. That got decided so fast that I didn't had time to tell you."_

"_Jackie, you're freezing."_

"_Yeah, well I walked home."_

_He felt a weak feeling of worried that he pulled away. He was not worried!_

"_That's very far, and it's dark outside." He didn't like the thought of her walking around in the darkness dressed in her minimal cheerleading dress. "You could have called me, you know that I would have pick you up."_

_Usually it used to be the different way, Jackie was never afraid to beg on a drive and how much he ever complained he always drove her where ever she wanted. Maybe because if not, she always wanted to borrow the El Camino and he had seen Jackie drive. Not a very pretty sight._

_She just shrugged and pulled herself even closer to him. And even if he would never admit it, he liked to have her in his lap, even if he pretended to do it for her. Not for he fouled anyone. _

_He expected that she soon would loose her grip on his neck and turn around to face the TV as she used to, but instead she took a firmer grip around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder._

_Something was wrong, really wrong, and he started to get really worried. She had come him so close, he should have got out of it earlier; it was not like he had not had his chances. Like the whole get-off-my-boyfriend-thing. And still, he just let her get closer and closer, almost enjoying it. It was going to end, one day she was going to realize that she could get someone so much better, but until then she was his._

"_Jackie." He spoke low and with his lips pulled against her ear so only she could hear. "What is it?"_

_He could feel how her shoulders started to quiver. Only she wasn't crying. He couldn't take it when she cried; it was like something inside him broke every time he saw her broken of cry eyes. _

_He looked up and caught Eric's glance over her head. _

"_Leave." He mime and Eric seemed to understand the message because he took Donnas hand._

"_I'm really hungry, shall we go up to the kitchen and take something?"_

_Even Donna had seemed to understand because she nodded and soon they were gone. _

"_Jackie." He held her a bit away from him so he could meet her glance. "What is it?"_

_Tears flowed free from her eyes and he dried away some of them with his finger. He had always thought that he would fall for a strong and independent girl like Donna; he had almost never seen her cry. Jackie on the other hand cried over everything. It was far to often he saw her with red eyes, and still…._

_Jackie needed him on a way that Donna never was going to need anybody._

"_It's mom." She sobbed high and the voice was full of cry._

_He felt how the worrying was growing._

"_But your mother is home, right?"_

_Her tears increased and she shook her head so her dark hair was flying around her face._

"_I called her yesterday and talked to her and she said…" Jackie interrupted herself because another cry attack, before she composed herself enough to continue. "She said that now when dad is in prison, and we don't have any money, there is nothing for her to come home to." She sobbed uncontrolled and fell back against his shoulder. He had never seen her cry like this before; the being in front of him was only tears and despair. _

_Maybe because this was the first time that she had a real problem, much worse than anything else that she had gone through._

_When the tears at last had dry up she started to talk again. He could feel her lips move against his neck. _

"_And the maids and the cook is fired because we couldn't afford them and I hate to sleep in the big house all alone. But soon I don't have to bother anymore." Her voice was bitter. "We have already started to sell things because all the debt and soon we have to sell the house."_

_It felt like it was a repeat of everything that had happened to him, many years ago. But he had had Forman's, who had Jackie that could take care of her, apart from him self._

"_Jackie." It was the first time that he had said something in a very long time. He had never been good on saying the right things and Jackie had stopped expecting words._

"_Mm."  
"You can sleep here!"_

_She looked at him, the tears have stopped roll but her lips trembled still and her eyes were red. _

"_What?"_

"_You can sleep here!"_

_So did it look like the words sank in because a smile appeared on her lips. It was nice to se her smile. _

"_Here? On the couch?" He wasn't sure if she teased him or not._

"_No, in my bed, stupid." _

"_Steven…" She started to say as a reminder. This was before they had had sex and he knew that she wanted to wait to the perfect opportunity. And strange enough he respected that. _

"_Just sleep." He interrupted. _

_She had fallen asleep directly, and he had just been laying there, beside her with her tiny body close to his own and his arm around her, like that was the only thing that held her left in the bed. It was the first time he experienced that feeling, the feeling of that just lay there close to someone that he loved. To just hear her rhythmical breath and feel her skin against his own. The first night of so many…._

He reached out his hand and touched her soft cheek. He did know there background but he didn't know there future. And he did know that she had come running after him the night before and that must mean something.

She moved, at first she dragged up her legs against her chin like a ball and then she stretched out her body. So opened she her eyes and looked around in the room.

"Steven?"

He smiled against her while she was sliding up in a sitting position. She was still dressed in the black dress but he had helped her take off the gloves and the shoes before she went to sleep, and he had discovered the small bandage that was covering her left under arm and worried suspects had started to build up.

"Steven." She repeated a little bit surprised and conceal a yawn with her hand.

A silent fell over them; he could see that she was trying to remember the night before on the small wrinkles that had performed on her forehead.

"Oh!" She seemed to remember because the wrinkles disappeared and she smiled a tired smile against him.

"Jackie." He knew that they had to talk, and even if he hated to talk, was he aware of that was the only way to make it work. "We have to talk."  
She looked surprised, like she never had heard that word coming from his mouth before.

"About what?"

"About us, about you and me."

"No." She shook her head.

"No?" He started to feel confused.

"Steven." Her voice was thin. "It will never work."  
The word hit him.

"Jackie…." He was searching for her glance and met it. "It will work because…. I love you." He didn't use that word as often as she wanted him to. He had never been good to express his feeling, but he knew that right now she needed to hear it.

"Maybe that isn't enough." She looked down on her hands that were laying outside the quilt.

He still didn't want to understand. This was Jackie Burkhart, the girl that thought that Valentines Day was a holy day. She if someone had to believe that true love was enough.

"Jackie, we can work this out, we can…" He started not really sure about what to say, but she interrupted him.

"I trusted you." She almost yelled, and her glance was glowing when she looked at him. He could tell that this was something old, something that she had carried around a long time, wanting to tell him. "I trusted you." She repeated. "I thought that you understood, but I had wrong."

He could barley stand out with the disappointment in her voice, and at the same time he wonder what she was talking about.

"Jackie, what…."

She interrupted him through getting up from the bed and started to walk around in the room, as she did when se was upset.

"I thought that you understood." She repeated, the anger in her voice was gone, and left were only the disappointment and the fatigue. "I thought that you understood how it was to be unloved, even when you didn't love me you where at last honest. I could always trust on you when everybody else lied and you promised me to never cheat…"

Slowly he started to understand where this conversation was leading him, and he buried his face in his hands afraid to meet her glance.

"You knew what I been through." The word was cutting inside of him, was tearing up wounds in his sole.

"And I trusted you, I trusted you so freaking much." The cry was starting to jostle in to her voice. "I never trusted Michael, or my parents or anybody, except you. How could you let me down like that Steven."

"It was a mistake…." The word was weak, even in his own ears.

"And after that…" Her voce trailed down but returned with full strength. "I wanted it to work, but I couldn't trust you. I was always afraid that you would let me down again. That you would wake up one morning and look at me, and realize that I wasn't what you wanted. Every morning I was afraid to wake up and find that you were gone. After every fight I was afraid that you would never return. We both know that I wasn't what you wanted; I wasn't your type, right? You wanted someone like Donna. "

"I would never leave you Jackie."

"Every body leaves. Steven."  
The word scared him, because that was exactly what he had thought for so many years ago.

"No, not I."  
"My parents left me, they never wanted me, and Michael just used me when there weren't any other slut that he could get. And you, I thought that you really loved me, but you show me the difference."

"Jackie, I do love you." He looked up at her. "Please Jackie, I do love you, more than anything."

She swallowed.

"There isn't anything like love." She said, her voice was bitter. "At least not for somebody like me. Maybe you think that you loved me, like Michael did all this year, but then you will realize the truth and that day it's going to hurt, because if I give you a second chance, I'm going to love you just more, and then when you finally understand that you doesn't want me, it going to hurt even more." She sobbed. "Please Steven, this is the best way, for both of us."  
And with those words she turned around and run out from the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

It was like he couldn't move. He had believed that everything should be all right. She had given him a promise the night before. It had meant something, she had come back, she had chosen him.

Or?

It felt like he had overthrew down in an abyss of darkness, which there where no way up from. He saw her pain filled eyes in front of him over and over again, those enormous eyes that cut wound inside of him.

He hardly heard how the door swung open and someone padded in.

"Do you lover her?"

Marissa stood bend over him. She was dressed in an all to large t-shirt that fell down and covered half of her thighs and her hair was messy after sleep.

He just looked at here, while she sat down on the bed beside him; it took a while before the question sank in.

"I…" He started but got interrupted of one of her long tanned fingers that became placed over his lips.

"You went here for her, Hyde, maybe that says it all."  
He just shrugged, without looking on her.

"Maybe it was unnecessarily."

Marissa smiled, the same smile he had seen so many times before in school. She had been Jackie's best friend outside the gang and even if he really never had talked to her, he had met her. She was a copy of Jackie, cute, smart, and with an unpleasant ability to always know what you were thinking.

"Well, I would say it was luck, if you hadn't showed up I had had to call you." She smiled again and met his glance.

He didn't ask why, he all ready knew.

"Jackie is Jackie." Marissa smiled, but this smile didn't reach her eyes. "She wants to live in her fairytale and have her happy-ever-after-end."

Hyde didn't look at her; his eyes were walking over the wall. The words were hitting him, hard!

"You gave her the reality Hyde, you show her that nothing is perfect."  
"Maybe she was happier before." He remembers the old Jackie that Jackie seemed to smile a lot more.

"There's thing that never will change, Hyde. You show her how hard the world could be, how people you trust can let you down, how love can be a pain."  
He wanted to shut out her words, and at the same time he wanted to here them, like it was a way for him to punish himself for what he had done.

"There are wound that never will heal." Her voice was soft. "Hyde, it was her choice to leave. She's looking for love that not will hurt."

He still didn't looked at her; he just starred in front of himself without really seeing.

"That love doesn't exist Hyde, she want to live without you, because it hurts to be with you, but the truth is that she can't and she knows that."

"So what are you saying, that she can't be with me or without me."

"Love isn't enough Hyde, she loves you so much but it's not enough." She placed a hand under his chin and turned around Hyde's face so he was looking directly into her deep blue eyes. "She need trust, can you give her that?" Her eyes were burning in to his but he didn't broke here eye contact.

"I give her anything."

A smile spread over Marissa's face.

"I know Jackie would choose the right guy for her."

He didn't know what to say, there were hope in Marissa's eyes but he was afraid to trust it.

"Hyde." She reached out her hand and touched his unshaved cheek without breaking their eye contact. "Trust me, it will be okay. Jackie gave you so much, she taught you to love, to trust, and now you have to do the same for her."

"But what if it will not work."

"Jackie just has to realize that she never will have her happy-ever-after-end. Deep inside she already know that. You most make her realize that she can trust on you, no matter what. It will never be perfect, but this time it will be better than last time, that I can promise you."

And when he looked into her blue eyes, he knew that she was speaking the truth.

"Jackie is lucky to have a friend like you…."  
"No, it's me that should be lucky to have a friend like her."

A/N: So I really thought that I would post this chapter real quick, (it was already wrote) But then I had to do some changes and then school started and well, I didn't have so much time. So I can't really tell when next (and the last) chapter is going to be post. I can just say, as soon as possible…


	9. Sometimes you can't make it on your own

_Sometimes you can't make it on your own_

_Jackie's pov_

How many weeks had she been in Paris? Two, three, five? It had been a long time, and now, when she thought back at them they didn't feel real.

There is a point where everything ends, there is a point where you can't sink any deeper, and it only can be better.

She had reached that point long ago. But she had never wanted so see it. Somewhere deep inside she didn't want to be better, because that should means to move on, and she didn't want to move on without him.

And now…

She wasn't the same girl anymore that had gone to Paris. She wasn't the same girl anymore that was so mad of hate and sadness that she had hurt herself. And she wasn't that girl anymore that was depending on money and spend hours in front of the mirror before she could go outside the door.

There were times that she wanted to go back, to the uncaring shallow Jackie, and right now was a moment like that.

Her mind traveled back. She remembered her time with Michael, it had been so easy. She had thought she loved him, and it had hurt when he had cheated on her over and over again. Now she knew that her love to him was just something she had made up, he was the perfect boyfriend and it wasn't her heart that had hurt when he cheated on her, but the dream she had build up around him.

And when se saw him with Laurie it was over. The dream was broken, and this time it was forever. And she had gone to somebody else, somebody that she never could build a dream around, and because of that he could never hurt her.

Ironical the kiss she and Steven had shared so many years ago had shown her something else, she had felt something when his lips met her, something Michael never had made her feel.

Something real.

And she had been too afraid to give in to that feeling, she had rather tried to build up her dream around Michael again than follow the road to true love but even a risk to be hurt, truly hurt.

But she had given in at last and that had been the best and the worst thing she had ever done.

She looked out over Paris, purchase the wonderful view.

Sometimes she wanted to take it all back, all the years with Steven. Because they had taken her joy, they had crushed her heart over and over again and they had given her wounds that would never heal.

But she even knew that just one moment in his arms made up for it.

And the question came back, the question that she had been afraid to think of since she left the apartment.

Had she done the right thing….?

_Hyde's pov_

Marissa had told him where to find her. On the stairs of Sacre Coeur, the white church that looked like a palace in the early sunset.

His glance scanned the almost empty stairs; afraid that maybe Marissa had had wrong, that maybe she wasn't here.

And then he saw her, her eyes were lost out over the city and the breeze was playing with her long dark brown hair.

She was still dressed in the dress since yesterday and a sad smile was playing on her lips.

She didn't see him, not even when he stood so close that he could feel her body heat, but he knew that she knew that he was there.

The hair on her arm was standing up and she shivered in the cold wind.

He laid her jacket around her shoulders and she dragged it unconscious closer to her skin.

"Jackie." His voice was low and so full of different emotions that it even scared him. "I'm sorry."  
She didn't look up when he sat down, next to her, but he knew that she had heard him.

"It was wrong of me to come here, I should let you go, I know that."  
"But you're here." She said, her voice was soft now, and he drowned in it, as so many times before. Her warm, soft, caring voice.

"I love you." He said. "That's way I'm here."

They sat in silence and looked out of the city.

"You always wanted to go here. Do you remember, you always talked about it."  
"I never thought it would be like this." Her voice was dry, but he know that that just was a way to hide the tears that soon should roll down for her cheeks.

He wanted to touch her, his skin was longing after hers, he wanted her to laugh and he wanted her eyes to sparkle again. Like they had done so many years ago.

"What can I do Jackie." He almost whispered. "What can I do to make this right."  
And finally she looked at him, tears was streaming down for her cheeks.

"I don't think you can."

He took her hands, they where ice cold and he warmed them between his own.

"Do you know how it felt to see you and Kelso on the couch. It was like you had stabbed a knife in my back. And I was never surprised, because I always expected it to happen. I always waited for you to go back to Kelso, like you always had done before."  
Her eyes were filled with tears and her lips were trembling. He wanted to kiss away the tears and promise her that everything would be all right but right, know he wasn't sure that that was true.

"And I wanted to hurt you:" His voice trembled and he know she heard the tears in it. "I wanted to hurt you as much you had hurt me, and I knew that cheating on you would hurt you more than anything."  
He hates to tell her this but she has the right to know.

"And then…." His voice broke and he took a deep breath. "And then a realized the truth and maybe that was even worse."  
She didn't say anything, just stared at him.

"I'm sorry Jackie, I would do anything to take it back, but I can't."  
He was afraid that she would drag her hands away from him and just leave. But he knew that he would follow her because he didn't have the strength to move on without her.

She didn't move, her cheeks were black of mascara, and her eyes were red.

"What do you want me to say?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know Jackie, I really don't know. All I know is that I would never cheat on you again, ever."

He could see how much she wanted to believe that.

"You gave me a promise Steven, and you broke it."  
"You promised me to never leave Jackie, and jet you did."  
"That's not the same thing…" But the words sounded lame, and he smiled.

"Do you love me?"

"That doesn't…" She started but he interrupted.

"Do you love me Jackie."  
"You know I do." She whispered.

"Then we can loose this." His grip got harder around her hands. "I promise you that."  
"I will…"

He interrupted her again.  
"I have spent this week thinking of you, and according to Marissa you hade done the same thing here."  
"But…"  
"And this weeks have made me realize that I never want to be without you again."

Her eyes were filled of tears and she sobbed desperate.

"Steven…" It wasn't more than I whisper but her voice was tender and warm and he knew that she started to give in.

"I don't care what it takes to make you trust me, I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life trying to convince you, because at least I'm with you."  
"What are you saying?"  
"I'm moving down here, Jackie."

"But…"

He laid a finger over her lips.

"I don't want anything of you, stay with Marissa, and stay with your wonderful work. I just ask you to let me have a place in your life, nothing more, can you give me that?"  
And he know that it was now or never, he know that if she shook her head now he should have to go back to USA, without her.

"Yes." It wasn't more than a breath. "Yes."

She sobbed hysterical, but he knew that she was crying of relief.

"Yes."

And she fell down in his arms and he held her tight, burring his face in her hair.

And they knew that everything wasn't perfect, and maybe it would never be, but at least she was where she belonged, with her head against his chest and his arm around her shivering body.

And for now, that was enough….

The end

A/N: I have had a bit of a blackout on this chapter, I knew how I wanted it but I just couldn't write it so I took a short break on this story. And that's why it took so long time. But now it's here! I don't own anything and this chapter title belongs to U2.

Please review, and tell me what you think of it, even if you hate it.


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